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Read It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single By Sara Eckel

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“Why am I still single?” If you’re single and searching, there’s no end to other people’s explanations, excuses, and criticism explaining why you haven’t found a partner: “You’re too picky. Just find a good-enough guy and you’ll be fine.” “You’re too desperate. If men think you need them, they’ll run scared.” “You’re too independent. Smart, ambitious women always have a harder time finding mates.” “You have low self-esteem. You can’t love someone else until you’ve learned to love yourself.” “You’re too needy. You can’t be happy in a relationship until you’ve learned to be happy on your own.” Based on her popular Modern Love column, Sara Eckel’s It’s Not You challenges these myths, encouraging singletons to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them. Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research, as well as interviews with people who have experienced longtime singledom, Eckel creates a strong and empowering argument to understand and accept that there’s no one reason why you’re single—you just are.

Book It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single Review :

So when I turned 35 and had left my last serious relationship 3 years before, I was not feeling great about being single. In fact, I was kind of terrified that I had failed at the big job we have as humans. I like to read so I read some books.Dating books are NOT the places to turn if you're not feeling great-- they make you feel worse. The homework those books gave me just made me feel MORE hopeless.Enter this book, just in time. It is not "scientifically proven," it's not a groundbreaking technique-- it's just a woman who could be your friend talking to you in a really clear, honest way about WHAT IS NOT WRONG WITH YOU. Seriously, why does everyone tell us there's something wrong? Why do we tell OURSELVES?I think the most useful thing a book can do-- of any kind, actually-- is make you feel connected to the world, and therefore less alone. That is exactly what this book has done. Sara Eckel describes many exact thoughts and feelings that I have had and even just by doing that makes me feel less crazy, or broken, or deficient in some way.I don't need homework. I needed this book to remind me of some really clear truths-- that being single is not evidence of being broken, and that wanting a relationship is not evidence of being pathetic.I am right square in Sara Eckel's demographic-- a 35-year-old, professional Brooklynite-- but I have a feeling there is a lot of universality to what she's saying, based on what I know of friends in other parts of the country and of the world.The point being-- if you are single and you feel like there's some code that all the married people have that you never figured out, read this book.
I'm on the lower end of the age spectrum--I turn 32 in a few months--and I know that will make some older women scoff at my single anxiety ("You're so young! You have so much time!"). I guess the catalyst for it is that I am Hispanic, and a Hispanic woman who has hit 30, is not in a relationship and/or has no children, clearly has something WRONG with her. And, the truth is, the world is a cold place for all singles, no matter your age. Watching girls in high school get asked to dances and taken on dates stung me then just as much as I feel stung now at the sight of engagement announcements or couples photos on my social media feeds.I've been chronically single almost my whole life. Apart from one disastrous, toxic relationship in my mid-20s, my dating life has been non-existent. I'm the girl everyone thinks is funny, smart and witty. The girl that makes people ask, out of genuine puzzlement, "Why is she single?" I'm the girl guys want to hang out with, party with, even sleep with... but none of them want to date me. None of them want to introduce me to their friends or parents as their girlfriend. I'm 32 years old and I've never received a Valentine's Day card or flowers.I, too, have felt like I'm missing the "lovable" gene. I constantly look around and see women LESS attractive, educated, charismatic, stylish, together, domestic, etc. in relationships. Why? Why not me? Where is that special chromosome that makes you a "viable option" in the eyes of the opposite sex? Why don't I have it?Enter this book. I would have called it "Warm Chicken Soup for the Single Woman's Soul" if that title hadn't already been taken, because that is literally what this book is. The whole book is great, but some chapters and passages were literally amazing in how relatability they are. It even helped me uncover truths about myself that I wasn't aware of, or things that I wasn't brave to admit to myself. For example, before I read this book, I adopted the philosophy that being single was AWESOME!! "No kids, no problems! Cute apartment, cute clothes, booming social life. Yay! Look at me!" But it was a defense mechanism. Because saying those sorts of things sounds much more palpable than admitting that you're unhappy with your single state. Arguably the best thing this book did for me was release me of feeling like I have to play that part. There is nothing wrong with being honest and saying, to both myself and others, "Yes, I do have a good life, and generally speaking, I am happy... but I sure do get lonely sometimes."I honestly cannot praise this book enough. Some of the passages literally cause a knot in my throat and bring tears to my eyes, because the author so accurately describes the pain of being lonely in a coupled-up world. It gives me hope and makes me practice less self-criticism and more self-compassion.Whenever that loneliness creeps up on me, whenever I feel that tightness in my chest and the monsters begin to crawl into my head, assuring me that I'M the problem, I'll crack this book open and read a chapter or two, or I'll read the whole thing from end to end again. I cannot recommend it enough to any woman who has ever felt that her own personal inadequacies are what are holding her back from finding love. You don't need dating books that tell you how many hours to wait before responding to a text, or how to seem willing, yet unavailable, yet open, yet mysterious.... When the right guy comes along, he'll like you for you. There is nothing to fix. This book will help you understand that.

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